Ole and Lena Joke Archive
Lena was driving along one fair summer day. When a car going the opposite direction passed, she heard the driver shout "PIG!" at her.

Infuriated, Lena stuck her head out the window and yelled "COW!" after the offending driver.  Just as she pulled her head back in, she collided with the biggest pig she had ever seen.

Ole was in a bar when a man walked up to him and asked him if he was Norwegian.

"Yah, sure ya' bet'cha" said Ole.

The man laughed and told Ole, "Norwegians have to be the dumbest people on the planet."

Ole smiled and asked the man, "Do you know how to count to ten in Norwegian?" 

The man shook his head no, and Ole responded, "Vell den, how does it feel to be dumber than a Norwegian?"

When Ole went to watch the Olympics, he saw a man, carrying a long pole.  Ole walked up to him and asked, "Excuse me, but are you a pole-vaulter?"  The man looked surprised and answered, "No, I'm a Swede, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Ole was building a new house and told the contractor that he wanted a halo statue put in.  The contractor was confused and asked, "What is a halo statue?"

Ole replied, "It's vun of dose tings dat goes 'Ring, Ring' and you pick it up and say, 'Halo, statue?'"

Lena had invited the Pastor from the Lutheran church over for supper. She and Ole went into the kitchen to prepare the meal, leaving the Pastor in the living room with Little Ole. The Pastor asked Little Ole, "So, what are we having for dinner?"
Little Ole replied, "I tink we're having Goat."
The Pastor chuckled and asked, "Why do you think we are having goat for dinner?"
"Vell," said Little Ole, "earlier today dad said to ma... 'Yah, I guess we can have the old goat for dinner tonight if you already asked him".
With all the confusion about whether it is:
Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner
-or-
Breakfast, Dinner, and Supper,
I think my grandma was the one that had it right...
Breakfast, "a little Lunch", Dinner, "a little Lunch", Supper, "a little Lunch".
Ole had just bought a new bird-dog and he and Sven went hunting to try him out.
After several hours with no success, Ole commented, "Dis dog ain't no good...Ve can't trow him high enough!"

Ole read that 80% of all accidents happened in the home...so he moved.
Ole Says...
...UFF-DA is ven you drop a bag of garbage, ISH-DA is ven you hafta pick it up!
...The first ting to go is da mem'ry...da second ting is da....da.... Vat vas I sayin?
...After seeing what birds do to my car...it's a good ting cows can't fly.
...I'm not overweight...I'm under-tall.
...two wrongs don't make a right. But three lefts do.

Ole and Lena were getting along in years. One night while watching TV, Lena commented "Some ice cream sure vould be good."
Ole said, "Yah, dat sounds good. I'll go get some.
Lena said, "I'd like some vanilla with chocolate syrup and nuts on mine...let me write it down so you won't forget."
"Yumpin' Yimminey Voman," cried Ole, "I'm not senile. You don't have to write it down!"
So Ole went out to the kitchen. Lena could hear the clatter of pans and doors opening and closing.
In a short time Ole came back with a couple ham sandwiches and a bowl of Jello.
Lena looked at him and shook her head. "You old fool. I told you I should have written it down. You forgot to put mustard on my sandwich!"

Ole and Lena had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 24 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, Lena replied, "Many years ago, Ole and me made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."


Ole and Lena decided to go to the casino.

Ole told Lena as they entered, "All right Lena, we'll meet back here in an hour, OK?"

Well, an hour later, Ole was broke, but Lena had a bucket full of quarters.

"Yumpin' Yimminey, vere did you vin all dose quarters then?" asked Ole.

Lena, leaning close, whispered, "I don't vant to say dis too loud, but you see dat game over there, every time I put in a dollar, I won four quarters!"

Little Ole had moved away from home, had fallen in love, and gotten engaged.

He decided to bring his fiancée home to meet his family. Just for fun, he brought along his fiancée's two best girl friends.

He sat the three ladies on the couch and said: "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you guess?"

"I don't like her."

One morning Ole noticed Lena sitting in the kitchen staring at a can of frozen orange juice mix. After about 20 minutes Ole asked her what she was doing.

Lena replied, "I'm trying to make orange juice."

Ole scratched his chin and said "Vell, maybe you should follow the directions."

"I am," said Lena, "See right here...It says Concentrate. "
Ole had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed Ole to hear 100%.

Ole went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which Ole said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Sven and Ole were busy shingling a roof when Sven noticed that Ole was throwing away about half of the nails.
Sven asked,"vhy are you t'rowing away all dose nails"?
"Vell, they got da heads on da wrong ends"!,replied Ole.
"Ole, you sure are stupid...Dose nails are for da udder side of da roof!"

The kindergarten teacher noticed Little Ole trying to put on a pair of boots and decided to help.

With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When, finally, the second boot was on, the teacher had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little Ole said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

When the teacher commented that his boots were too small, Little Ole then announced, "These aren't my boots."

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

When asked where HIS boots were, Little Ole replied, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

The teacher didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

Little Ole said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Ole's toilet was plugged and he decided to call a plumber.

When he called, the plumber's wife told him it was easy and he should try to fix it himself and to call back if he has any trouble.

Pleasantly surprised by this, Ole asked, "Does your husband know that you send away business?"

"Actually, it's my husband's idea," she replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves, first."


Ole and Lena and Ole Jr. were living in Seattle. Ole's Cousin Torvald came from Duluth, for a visit.

Torvald arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

Finally out of despair, Torvald asks Ole Jr., "Hey, does it ever stop raining around here then?"

Ole Jr. says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."

Ole and Lena were dating and Ole had parked the car in a quiet spot.
Ole asked, "So...you want to hop in the back seat?"
Lena replied,"No...I'd rather stay up here with you."

Sven and Ole were in the bottom of a hole, digging a well, while Lars stood at the top and hauled up the buckets of dirt. Sven and Ole got to discussing why Lars got to do the easy part, while they did all the hard work.

"I'm going to find out!" said Ole as he climbed out of the hole. He went up to Lars and said, "Vhy are ve doin' all the hard vork vile you yust stand up here haulin' up the dirt?"

Lars replied, "Dat's because I'm smarter than you."
"Oh yeah? Prove it" challenged Ole.

So Lars put his hand up in front of a tree and said, "Hit my hand as hard as you can."
Ole wound up and swung. Just before he hit it, Lars pulled his hand away and Ole slammed his fist into the tree.

Ole said, "Yah, I guess you are smarter than us." and went back down into the hole.

Sven asked, "So, did you find out vhy he's up dere and ve're down here?"
"Yah," said Ole, "Because he's smarter than us. But now I'm smarter than you."

"Oh yeah? Prove it" challenged Sven.

So Ole held up his hand in front of his face and said, "Hit my hand as hard as you can."

Ole and Lena got a divorce on the grounds of Incompatibility.

It seems that Ole had lost his Income and Lena had lost her Patability.

Ole would never take anyone duck hunting with him. Finally Sven convinced Ole to take him along. A duck flew by and Ole shot it and it fell out in the water. Ole's dog got up, walked out on top of the water, picked up the duck and walked back.

Sven stood there and watched with his mouth open and finally said, "That is the most incredible thing I ever saw."

"Yah, I'm so embarrassed." said Ole "I never taught him to swim."

Ole had been out hunting in Minnesota and had shot a Loon. He went to shore and had built a small fire and had started roasting it when along came the Game Warden. The Warden inspected the bird and said, "Ole, that's a loon. They're protected. I'm going to have to write you a ticket."

The Warden started writing the ticket, and finally his curiosity got the better of him and he asked. "So...Ole, What does loon Taste like?"

Ole thought for a moment and then replied, "Well, it's hard to describe. It's kind of a cross between a bald eagle and a trumpeter swan."

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

When asked about his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher." I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up "panty stitcher". Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 per week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week

When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties. Sven pulls them down on his head and says, 'Yah, diesel fitter.'


When Ole went to play cards with da boys his friend Lars asked him, " Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife, and when we go bowling you bring your wife."

Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is a kind of ugly. Dis way I don't have to kiss her goodbye."


Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"


The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Vell, dat sounds fine, Yudge, " said Ole. "And vunce in a vile I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

One night, Ole and Lena were fast asleep when all of a sudden the phone rings. Ole wakens and goes to answer it.

"How the heck should I know, that's a thousand miles away!!" he barks into the phone and then slams down the receiver.

"Who was that?" asks Lena.

"I have no idea, Lena, " answers Ole. "Some guy wanted to know if the coast is clear."

Ole bragged to Sven, "I yust got a brand new bike for Lena."

Sven replied, "You sure are lucky! You get all the good deals."



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